You can't special order awesome
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
