My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
