I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
