i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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