i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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