I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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