Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
