i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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