Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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