Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Vodka?
Forever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
