Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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