Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm like, not good at living.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
