I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
