I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
