My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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