I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
