Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
