I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
