You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
