i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
