could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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