Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
