1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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