i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
