I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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