Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
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I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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