there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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