I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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