Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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