i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
