This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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