I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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