I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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