just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
