His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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