Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
