Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
