If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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