I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
