It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
