Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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