Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
