when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize