I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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