hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
