I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
