Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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