Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I need a burrito and a hug.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
