yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
