did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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