Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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