i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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