Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
