ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
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The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
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Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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