he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
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The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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