theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
