When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
