the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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