new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize